"Jerry, what can one person do?"

These people make me sick! Everytime I hear their whining I want to shout and scream. "How many times do I have to tell you? My name's not Jerry!" But they are clearly confused and I am magnaminous, so usually I address their concerns in measured tones. "In the long term - " I respond, "Nothing!" I don't take credit for being the first to observe that in the long run we are all dead. (Even though I was the first person to observe this... whatever John 'Magpie' Keynes may say.)

"Death is the cure of all diseases." - Thomas Browne

The futilitiy of existence has only one permanent escape - death (which, in my opinion, only serves to emphasise the point!) But how to fill the time spent waiting for the panacea to take effect?

Numerous are the suggestions "He who dies with the most toys, wins" opined John Forbes Junior shortly before his early death in a hang-gliding accident.
"Eat, drink and be merry!" suggested St Luke, in an unguarded moment.
"Party like it's 1999" volunteered Prince shortly before retreating into paranoid isolation.
"All the world's a stage" thought Shakespeare, but then, he would, wouldn't he?

Or one could bow one head and humbly beg some higher power to give you yet more existence.. Though the immediate evidence is that you are failing to use this one; supplicated there on your knees obsequiously beseeching favours from thin air, where you suppose reposes a very mundane deity obsessing over your daily transgressions and who, while unaccountably inactive, is omnipotent and potentially interested in your unending company. Lacking pride or blinded by existential greed you are able to grovel obscenely and flatter your ineffable benefactor. Instead of squandering your existence on your selfish agenda of self-perpetuation, get up off your knees, go out and do something useful. As it stands, I, for one, cannot see any reason for granting you an eternity more. (It may not be up to me, of course.)

"He who discommendeth others obliquely commendeth himself." - Thomas Browne

Perhaps, I am occasionally guilty of this myself. ("No!" from the crowd.) But, I observe that the converse of Dr. Browne's maxim is not true.. Everyone is susceptible to flattery. Praise a friend and they will think kindly of your good judgement. Indeed, judging by the assumptions of many of the worlds religions, this principle to apply to their Gods too.

I feel I can offer a guiding principle for your residence in existence..

"Acknowledge the talents of others." - One Monkey

From where, you might wonder, did this insight arise? Well like many great ideas it came from the Roman Empire. But unlike many great ideas, it came from this Roman Empire..

Not long ago I was much like many other men, I wanted a fast house, a big woman in the country and a car that didn't talk too much. But then, Tony, the proprietor of the Roman Empire, made a mistake that was to change my life and that of the little fellow you see above..

A night like any other, I happened to call Tony and placed a regular order..

an S3, a 9, a 24b, a 95 and an 115.

A fine feast, more than enough food for two. And perhaps this was Tony's thought too, because he included not two but three fortune cookies! The alloted fortunes of my dining companion and I were unremarkable, bland predictions of the 'things might happen' variety. But, after Tony's over-provision there was a third fortune available. Sitting on the bed, feeling that unmistakeable post chinese bloat, yet possessed of excess fortune, we were at a loss as to how to allot this providence. We did not feel enthused at the prospect of 'more things which might happen'. And we weren't at a point in the relationship where the sharing of fortunes would have been appropriate. But, for an atheist cynic from generation X, I can be quite superstitious and idealistic at times, and was not inclined to throw it unassigned in the bin. I cast around for inspiration..

[Aside: The story could have turned out very differently had my sister been present, for she is a fortune cookie monster! A fickle devourer of omens, tossing aside the bad but delighting in the good. I have a set of yarrow stalks - an ancient chinese divination tool - that she treats as little more than a wish-machine - persistently interogating them until they provide an answer she wants to hear. She would have had no qualms about snatching the bonus cookie.]

There perched endearingly on the bedpost was this little green monkey. He was as deserving a cause as any, if the truth be told, he could do with some good fortune - he had lived with me for nearly 9 months and still hadn't received a name. So I presented sed monkey with the as yet unopened cookie..
..Being an inanimate object he did not react in any way..
I had to open it for him and then there it was

"Your talent will be acknowledged."

It was a pixie moment: A fantastic prediction, and a fully legal fortune fairly gained by my monkey. (How a 26 year old bank manager came to have a small cuddly monkey in his bed is quite another story and a surprisingly boring one.)

Despite my elation and childlike glee at the unnamed monkeys luck, I did not connect his prophecised praise with the necessity for action on my part. But, soon I realised the real wisdom of the Gold Plum Fortune Cookie co.

I must fulfill his destiny..

Gladly..
He smiles.
He is liked by all.
He is repulsed by my Tai Chi.
He soothes or delights small children as appropriate.
He amuses with fantastically crude & graphic sexual gestures (& not in front the children, as this would be inappropriate.)
Doing so, I learn a valuable lesson myself.

"Acknowledge the talents of others."

It is easy to sneer. To scorn the scum, the selfish, the lazy, the supercilious and the hypocritical. It is easy, it is fun, it is cathartic and it is essential. But, in all the excitement, the brightness is blackened, the art of praise fades. I do delight in the happiness of others but often forget I am capable, with a kind word, of creating it.

You are all wonderful.

Monday, 26th March 2001