101 uses for a Degree from Oxford:
1. To fill the space at the bottom of your CV
2. To fill an empty picture frame.
3. To fill the space on the wall above your mantelpiece.
4. To fill the space in a cardboard box in the attic.
5. To fill yourself with a sense of achievement.
6. To fill yourself with popcorn*, (rolled into a funnel and placed in mouth, with head tipped back.)
6*. Or some other suitable foodstuff.
7. As an excuse for having wasted three years of your life.
8. As a means of acceptance by the 'Establishment'.
9. As a step on the ladder.
10. As a bit of carpet on the stairs.
11. As a firelighter.
12. As toilet-paper.
13. As a name dropping device, ("Yes, I was at Oxford with X.")
14. As a conversational stop-gap, ("I did ever tell you about my undergraduate days at Oxford ?")
15. As a draught excluder.
16. As a draught board.
17. As a surf board.
18. To be Chairman of the board.
19. To be a B.A.
20. To be or not to be a Ph.D.
21. To take arms against a sea of troubles…
22. To die:
23. To sleep:
24. To dream (like the spires.)
25. Two-one.
26. Two-two.
27. First.
28. Third.
29. Highly Commended.
30. To comment knowledgeably on the practice of racing boats down the Thames annually against Cambridge.*
30*. Or any other sporting activity undertaken once a year to determine 'who is the best.'
31. An excuse for thinking Oxford are,
32. And that Cambridge are not.
33. As if anyone cares anyway.
34. It is everyone else that are the scum of the earth.
35. To be a bigot.
36. To be a Tory M.P.
37. To be a 'Tony' P.M.
38. To be a U.S. President.
39. Not to inhale.
40. To die of auto-erotic asphyxia.
41. To name all your future pets after famous dead people, or minor Shakespearean characters.
42. Homer the dog.
43. Scroop (Hen. V.) the cat.
44. Second Messenger (Lear) the carrier pigeon.
45. Hannibal the hamster.
46. To have friends with stupid names
47. Like Tarquin,
48. Or Celia.
49. To become an author and invent a stupid name of your own.
50. Like Will Self.
51. To become an author and write an unsuitably long book, about a load of Indians who don't exist, living in an Indian town that doesn't exist, doing sod all for 4 years and 1493 pages.
52. To become a poet and write poems unsuitable for children.
53. Like Philip Larkin.
54. To become a librarian.
55. Like Philip Larkin.
56. Philip Larkin the goldfish.
57. Do a 'Darius Guppy': Make friends with an Earl, then commit a £2.5million insurance fraud, with the help of an Oxonian chum.
58. Go to jail.
59. Do not pass go.
60. Do not collect £200.
61. Collect £200.
62. Set up a famine relief charity, with shops throughout the country selling second hand 1970's polyester and nylon skirts, cardies and tanktops in tasteful oranges and browns, who previous owner has just died. [Of embarrassment ?]
63. To die of embarrassment.
64. To embrace embarrassment at every possible opportunity.
64. To be Gyles Brandreth.
65. To wear silly jumpers.
66. To have to wear full academic dress when doing exams.
67. To not have to wear silly college scarves, but to do so anyway.
68. To join silly college drinking clubs, get dressed up, drink too much, and then throw up over old derelict parts of the college, (the porters, etc.)
69. To drink too much anyway.
70. To eat lots of curry.
71. To find great amusement in running around with traffic cones on your head, pushing your friends about in shopping trolleys or throwing peoples bikes in the river.
72. To make friends that you'll keep for the rest of your life.
73. To fall in love.
74. To fall out.
75. To fall in love again. "But this time it's really special."
76. To get married.
77. To enjoy four weeks of ecstasy, six months of bliss, one year of happiness, three of misery and a messy divorce.
78. To become a lawyer and make money your god.
79. To find religion and make God your god.
80. And Jesus your god, and the Holy Spirit your god as well, because they are all the same, the 'One God.' Yet different, the so-called 'Trinity'. And they were made man (just one man (made just once)) who died for our sins (so get sinning), then rose again (twice made man?) and ascended into Heaven to sit at the right hand of the Father (who being 'One God' was also Himself,) and He (which One?) will come again (three times?) at the Second Coming. and we shall all be judged, (better hold off on the sinning then.)
81. Come again?
82. To go to Bible study classes.
83. And Church (obviously).
84. And prayer meetings, discussion groups, 'workshops', church youth clubs and summer camps; where you can invite Jesus into your life, make friends with fellow Christians (any friend of Jesus is a friend of mine), learn new life skills (how to play the tambourine), pick up fashion tips (what colour socks did the Son of God wear with his sandals?) and even learn about His teaching.
85. Basically, you should be nice to your neighbours. Unless they're Muslims or Jews. Then it's OK to invade their countries killing them as you go to claim YOUR Holy Land. Or Catholics. Then it's OK to burn them at the stake for not letting you get a divorce. Or people who are not Catholics. Then it's OK to burn them at the stake for not being Catholics. Or just your neighbour if they play music really loud late at night even when you ask them not to, then it's OK to let their tires down.
86. In fact, you can do absolutely anything you like, as long as you are sorry that you did it.
87. Like go to Oxford.