"I hope to God he's joking."
It is with great sadness that we announce the death of God. He passed away peacefully in his sleep, and lay rotting and unnoticed for several centuries We first suspected his demise towards the end of the nineteenth century and had our suspicions confirmed in this century, when the world witnessed Human suffering on a unprecented scale. Horrors and selfishness that continue today. Combined with the sterling work done by scientists who removed the impediments of theology, politicians and businessmen who made money the new religion, and drug-dealers who gave the young and impressionable something else they could believe in, God's services are no longer required to keep the populace subservient. There will not be a service of remembrance. |
Experiments in practical theology:
First, allow me to remove the scales from your eyes, which may hurt a little. (Yeurgh!) Then watch as I pass a camel through the eye of a needle, (hint, I use liquidized camel.)
Wonder at my ability to turn water into urine.
Next week: I commit thefts and sell sexual favours in an attempt to discover the monetary value of the wages of sin.
A world first! - A satirical poem about Zen Monks
It is very hard to poke fun at a religion that has no God and reveres stupidity and obfuscation. (don't they all?)
A religion where disciples are expected to learn from Q&A like:
Q. What is Buddha?
A. Three pounds of Flax
Nonetheless, as part of our goal of all embracing multicultural abuse...
The Art of Not Knowing.
Sitting quietly, doing nothing, I heard the sound of one hand clapping. But then the idle brain plays tricks upon the resting mind. Beyond the cave wall, I saw a dog with Buddha nature and angrily cast my heavy eyelids aside. Now green tea vapours refresh my sight and bubble through my thoughts. I have spent years in this dreary monastery seeking enlightenment. Young men pester me with questions, to them I raise an enigmatic fist. After a life-time hunting nirvana... Rien!
The prophet Elijah says "Atone Now!"
Frankie says "Relax!"
Otherwise known as the small children's Catechism, supposedly learnt by heart in all Catholic infant schools.
1. Who made you? God
2. What else did God make? God made all things.
3. Why did God make all things? for His own glory
4. Why do things work as they do? God has so decreed it.
5. How do we learn about God? God reveals Himself.
6. Where does God reveal Himself? in His word and in nature
7. What does God reveal in nature? His character, law, and wrath
8. What more is revealed in His Word? God's mercy toward His people
9. Where is God's Word today? The Bible is God's Word.
10. How many Gods are there? There is one true God.
11. How many persons are in the Godhead? three
12. Who are these persons? Father, Son, and Holy Spirit
13. Where is God? He is everywhere.
14. How long has God existed? He has always been.
15. How is man unique? He bears God's image.
16. Who was the first man? Adam
17. What was Adam like at creation? He was good.
18. Did Adam remain good? No, he sinned.
19. What is sin? disobedience to God's law
20. What is the penalty for sin? death
21. What came of Adam's sin? Death came to all men.
22. Why did Adam's sin affect all men? we all sinned in Adam
23. Must all men die for sin? No, God elected some to life.
24. How may we be saved from sin and death? only through Jesus Christ
25. Who is Jesus Christ? He is God's Son.
26. Did Jesus ever sin? No, only He is righteous.
27. What did Jesus do for His people? He conquered death.
28. How did He do this? He died, then rose again.
29. What else did Christ conquer? all his enemies
30. Are His enemies powerful? They have come to nothing.
31. What did He give to His people? His own righteousness
32. What did He take from His people? their sin
33. How is Christ's work brought to His people? by the Holy Spirit
34. What does the Holy Spirit do? He gives faith.
35. What is faith? resting on Christ for salvation
36. How do we recognize true faith? it yields good works
37. Who are Christ's people? they make up His church
38. What are the traits of His church? the Word, discipline, and sacraments
39. How is the Word a trait of His church? All God's Word is preached.
40. How is discipline a trait of His church? God's people are protected.
41. What are sacraments? signs and seals of God's covenant
42. What sacraments are there? baptism and the Lord's supper
43. Who is Head of the Church? Jesus Christ
44. What offices has Christ appointed? overseers and deacons
45. Is His Church perfect? It is being perfected.
46. When will it be perfect? at the resurrection
47. What happens at the resurrection? Christ judges all men's deeds.
48. What of those He deems righteous? They dwell with Him forever.
49. What of those He condemns? They perish forever.
50. How does this judgment affect Christ? It magnifies His glory.
And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you
say that I am?"
They replied,"You are the eschatological manifestation of
the ground of
our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our very
selfhood revealed."
And Jesus replied, "What?"
"..., there is a growing opinion among students of religious history that Muhammed may in a real sense be regarded as a prophet of certain truths, though by no means of truth in the absolute meaning of the term. The shortcomings of the moral teaching contained in the Koran are stricking enough if judged from the highest ethical standpoint with which we are acquainted;"
G. Margoliouth 1909
"From the Arab Jews, Muhammad would be enabled to derive an abundant, though most distorted, knowledge of the Scripture histories. The secrecy in which he received his instructions from them, and from his Christian informants, enabled him boldly to declare to the ignorant pagan Meccans that God had revealed those Biblical histories to him. "
"It is impossible, however, for us at this distance in time to penetrate the mystery in which this subject is involved. Yet certain it is, that, although their testimony against Muhammad was speedily silenced, the Koriesch knew enough of his private history to disbelieve and to disprove his pretensions of being the recipient of a divine revelation, and that htey accused him of writing from the dictation of teachers morning and evening. "
"...For if [Muhammad] was indeed the illiterate person the Muslims represent him to have been, then it will be hard to escape their inference that the Koran is, as they assert it to be, a standing miracle. But if, on the other hand, it was a Book carefully concocted from various sources, and with much extraneous aid, and published as a divine oracle, then it would seem that the author is at once open to the charge of the grossest imposture, and even of impious blasphemy."
J. M. Rodwell 1909
These are direct quotations from the introduction and preface of my copy of the Koran, ( published by JM Dent & sons, London 1909, translated by the Rev. J. M. Rodwell, with a preface by the Rev. G Margoliouth.) I am no expert but these comments strike me as blasphemous about the Muslim faith. It amuses me that in our own less tolerent age, these pages would most likely be torn from the book and burnt and a fatwa declared against its' otherwise well meaning translator.
| Taoism | Shit Happens. |
| Hare Krishna | Shit Happens Rama Rama Ding Ding. |
| Hinduism | This Shit Happened Before. |
| Islam | If Shit Happens, Take A Hostage |
| Zen | What Is The Sound Of Shit Happening? |
| Buddhism | When Shit Happens, Is It Really Shit? |
| Confucianism | Confucius Say, "Shit Happens." |
| 7th Day Adventist | Shit Happens On Saturdays. |
| Protestantism | Shit Won't Happen If I Work Harder. |
| Catholicism | If Shit Happens, I Deserve It. |
| Jehovah's Witness | Knock, Knock, "Shit Happens." |
| Unitarian | What Is This Shit? |
| Mormon | Shit Happens Again & Again & Again. |
| Judaism | Why Does This Shit Always Happen To Me? |
| Rastafarianism | Let's Smoke This Shit. |
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